Djinn Army PSA: Phobosophitis

             Do you find that most of life’s problems can be solved with a little creative shopping? Is television your primary form of entertainment? Do you feel less creative, adventurous, or excited about things than you used to be? Do you find that there’s just not enough time in the day, especially for things like exercise? Are you tired right now? Despite this constant lack of energy, do you believe that everything will work out in the end? Does that belief come from a strong faith in the greater wisdom of some sort of higher power, be it God, country, science, or perhaps all three? Have you ever gotten a headache from thinking too hard? Are you ordinary? If you answered “yes” to most or all of these questions then you might be suffering from an illness called phobosophitis, or, as it’s known by its more common name, the zombie disease.

            Since the outbreak and spread of the so-called zombie epidemic a subtle but pervasive shift in the human condition towards intellectual degeneration and volitional pacification has occurred throughout the world, one which medical science has been slow to address but which recently was posited as a leading threat to not only our national security but to the future of the human race in general. Although many of the above symptoms may appear to be as innocuous as they are ubiquitous, the gross spiritual passivity that lies at the root of these symptoms makes all higher cognitive functioning, as well as authentic democratic participation, impossible, rendering massive numbers of human beings inert and reactionary followers of whatever stimulus is most prevalent within their increasingly limited sphere of conscious awareness.

            Once infection has occurred, centers of consciousness begin to shut down in the body and brain, causing awareness to slowly atrophy until all higher cognitive functions have completely disappeared. Contrary to the shambling monstrosities we see in movies, the degradation and internal decay of actual zombies occurs so gradually, and is so subtle, that the disease is almost invisible to the untrained eye, indeed, even more so to the spiritually diminished zombies, whose very consciousnesses are being slowly extinguished. The basic ability to speak remains unaffected, and they appear to experience minor degrees of limited cognitive activity in response to many different kinds of external stimuli, but, in general, thoughts come with less and less frequency, and those that do come are of increasingly smaller orders of magnitude. Dreams are forgotten, all but the most animalistic passions fade, and the creative impulse, if it was ever present, dies. Things of an abstract nature, such as art, beauty, freedom, dignity, justice, or any sort of philosophical or spiritual speculations, will all gradually become more and more meaningless as the disease progresses, and such things will therefore elicit no authentic cognitive response, except perhaps for dismissal or hostility, from the infected.

            Since impairments to human consciousness fall largely outside of the scope of modern medical concerns, this silent epidemic has remained almost completely unstudied by the scientific community; that is, until just recently, with various new and experimental treatments quickly becoming available to fight this terrible epidemic. Given the rather insidious nature of this disease, raising people’s awareness through education is a crucial first step. The infected can then be started on a progressive series of regular inoculations which, studies have shown, can and will reverse many of the degenerative effects of this disorder. However, getting those who’ve succumbed to the disease to voluntarily seek help can be very difficult. If you, or someone you love, might be suffering from the early onset of phobosophitis, please talk to your doctor, or someone whose higher cognitive functioning you believe to have not yet been compromised, as soon as possible. Together, we can find a permanent and lasting cure to this illness and restore meaning and purpose to all human life.

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