The Illuminati Ad

            A friend of mine posted this joke ad on my Facebook wall that reminded me of a very similar one that I myself placed 5 or 6 years ago, back when I still lived out in the Midwest. For a mere $65.00 I placed the following ad in the Iowa Press Citizen (a 90,000 reader distribution), in their Friday, Saturday and Sunday editions, as well as in the Ad Sheet, a local free paper:

is now accepting appli-
cations. Must desire power
and knowledge and have
accepted your own mortali-
ty. Brains, beauty, or brawn
a plus. Will train. Email:

            Placing this ad was fun because I did it in person, at the newspaper offices downtown. The receptionist read the ad I had handed her and said, 'The Illuminati? Is that the name of your group?' and I assured her that it was. She paused and then, quite seriously, starring me dead in the eye, she asked, 'Is it true what they say?'

            I smiled, and, leaning closer, asked, 'What do they say?'

            It turns out that if you mention the Illuminati these days, you had better know your Dan Brown mythology, which, thankfully, I do. After I assured her that what Dan Brown based his book on was simply an enormous hoax, she seemed very relieved, at least temporarily. However, unable to resist, I then went on to explain that this WWII hoax was based on an actual historical reality, one that some of us believe caused the Pope's irrational destruction of the most powerful force that his church had ever had at its disposal. I told her that what most people don’t understand is why, assuming that there was such a thing, of course, a holy bloodline of Christ might opt to rule in secret and thereby avoid another debacle like the one that occurred with the Pope and the King of France back in the Middle Ages. Though it’s well concealed, evidence for such a bloodline’s existence is certainly there, if you know where and how to look. A few others at the paper had gathered around us at this point.

            By the time I left that office I think that quite possibly I could have convinced at least a few of them that I was nothing less than the last of the Merovingians. However, this little drama, as I said, happened more than five years ago now, and, sadly, this has been the sum total of the amusement/profit which I've gained from that particular ad. As I have come to expect, the cold waters of banality that flood the Great Plains States remain completely undisturbed by any tiny efforts to stir them; I had no responses to this ad, not even fundamentalist outrage. The moral of the story, I believe, is that it's senseless to try and sell grand dreams to the public at large, because, in that part of the country at least and, to some extent, almost anywhere else I’ve peddled such things, no one is buying.