The Desmious Escape Plan

“Every proper escape begins not with a plan,
but with an awareness of one's current captivity.”

           These words were first written to me by a mysterious stranger who called himself “Desmious,” which, I eventually learned, was not his proper name at all, but, rather, the Greek word for 'Prisoner.' Although I never learned his real name, or even met the man face-to-face (assuming, of course, that he was a man), the few things that I did learn from him have proven invaluable, so much so that today I feel compelled to share some it here with all of you; I hope you're paying attention.

           You see, Desmious claimed to have started out many, many, years ago, as an amateur escape artist. Obsessed from a very young age with the fundamental architecture of prisons, and of systems of control in general, he quickly rose up to become the greatest master of the slip that this world had ever seen, unsurpassed at finding, and exploiting, previously undetected weaknesses in all manner of confinements, entanglements, and oppressions. He had become so good at escape, in fact, that he was eventually inducted into a vast world dominating Conspiracy, one where he was to serve as a sort of quality control consultant for the world's elite social engineers. For years, Desmious was tasked with the terrible job of testing and improving upon a corrupt system's most oppressive structures, not only the pieces of what he calls the ickthyfilaky, or the guarded prison, but also the gradual construction of something far more nefarious, a modern contrivance known by far fewer people as the melifilaky, or the honey prison.

           Desmious always hated the melifilaky. He explained to me once that while both the spirit and the flesh will instinctively struggle against the far more obvious limitations of a conventional incarceration, the power of the honey prison lies in it's innocuous, seemingly beneficial, nature. As he watched the world slip further and further into the sticky snares of this seemingly undetectable threat, it was his sincere, almost religious, devotion to that delicate dance between capture and escape which, perhaps inevitably, compelled him to eventually betray the Conspiracy.

           What follows, therefore, is a brief description of the seven primary members of this supposedly ancient and all consuming plot. Perhaps, like many, you'll simply refuse to believe in any evil consortium of Supervillians whom, in ways that will soon be made obvious, subtly rule the modern world, with very little, if any, opposition. At least at first, many of you probably won't even pause to consider how you, or your families, might, even now, be falling victim to any of these ubiquitous assaults on the human mind and body. Desmious says that this is because you have, in fact, become a living part of the prison itself, and thus can really never hope to escape; he taught me that we must instead escape from you.

           I, however, remain hopeful, but, if he's right, then this may serve as your only notice that we are leaving, and, at least, you'll be granted a chance at understanding why. Ultimately, whether or not you come along, and who you might attempt to bring with you, will have to be entirely up to you and what you're capable of seeing.

           This is, after all, where all proper escapes must begin.

           (Unfortunately, illustrations for any of the following 7 Wanted posters have yet to be finalized. We live in hope.)

WANTED
THE SENEX

For Predatory Lending,
Extortion, Usury, and Fraud

           The Senex, an ascended Alchemist, currently owns most of the planet Earth and exercises his royal prerogative via an unthinkably vast banking empire. He is the prime architect of an ancient occult conspiracy that stretches far back before the Order of Melchizadek (a.k.a. Jupiter), the Hashshashin, the Templars, The Freemasons, and, of course, the Federal Reserve, all of which currently answer to him. His intense rivalries with other Alchemical Masters of history, from St. Germain to Sir Issac Newton, are also legendary, although these days he mostly just locks promising Alchemists up, forcing them to slave away in secret for his bank.

           Once, they say, he was quite literally made of gold, but these days, he's become a wispy digital whirl of swirling one and zeroes; the fundamental idea of ownership itself, extended out into infinity.

WANTED
MOTHER DREADFUL

For Poisoning Billions
and Political Corruption

           The Senex's niece, Mother Dreadful, as the self-proclaimed goddess of the Oikos Panouklas, or 'the Household Plagues,' is responsible for GMOs, preservatives and artificial sweeteners, for fluoride, pesticides, heavy metals and dyes, for the over-processing and over-sweetening of the American diet, all of which has contributed to our current Functional Zombie Apocalypse. She is the matron of the Illuminati house Rothschild* (from whom she inherited, among other things, her tiny army of mind-controlling parasites which she's dubbed the “Determites”), but suffers from a psychological illness called Lamia Syndrome, thoroughly convinced that the world needs to be saved from itself by the cautious enlightenment, and natural selection, her various poisons bring.

WANTED
MEDIACRATES

For Subversion of the Fifth Estate
and Possibly Deicide

           Mediacrates hunts those whom the Order of Jupiter deem a potential threat to the status quo, colloquially referred to as “sparks.” A bishop in the Catholic Church, this thin neuro-assassin commands enormous assets, both magical and mundane, including an army of conservative zealots, a quartet of archonic angels called the Drudge, and a vast media empire. All of these are part of his “Mediacratic Method,” a systematic process of indoctrination and bribery designed to neutralize the various threats posed by nonconformists and malcontents.

WANTED
SANTA CLAUS

For Consumerism,
Slave Labor and Xenocide

           Santa Claus was once merely the bishop of Myra until he merged body and soul with a pagan God of Darkness called the Holly King, ascending to become the world's foremost guardian against all things supernatural and, more importantly, the modern God of Consumerism. He has a slave army of elves and satyrs and runs a magical prison sweat shop in the North Pole called “The Workshop.” Armed assaults on the Workshop are common, primarily by a single group of radical militants called the E.L.F. (the Elven Liberation Front). The goal of the E.L.F. is not just to liberate the various mythical creatures currently slaving away in the Santa's Workshop, but to release the long imprisoned God of Spring, the unfairly demonized Krampus.

WANTED
THE PALE WARDEN

For Mind Control

           The Pale Warden is an alien who crafts various technological wonders, the primary focus of which are the enslavement, or at least the perpetual distraction, of the human mind. Her people are known on Earth as the Fae, and she's here on a mission to keep humans from somehow stumbling into any of the various dimensional rifts that connect her shining world to our own. Popular Pale Warden Technology throughout the ages has included such advances as the stage, the radio, the television, comic books, role-playing games, video games, the internet and most recently, her greatest success, smart phones.

WANTED
THE AUTHORITARIAN

For Police Brutality and
Countless Other Crimes of Conformity

           The Authoritarian's power waxes and wanes in response to the amount of pain, fear, and resignation he can harvest from those whom he bends to his will. Part of this transformation is physical, as he often makes dramatic increases in size, strength, and speed, but he also has a large degree of telepathic influence over the sensory perceptions of anyone he's beaten into submission, controlling both what they can and cannot see. These mind-controlled fools become drones in his massive army of Conformatons, a humorless and superficial collection of petty tyrants, haters, snitches and apologists. It's not clear exactly what the Authoritarian is, but he has displayed a disturbing ability to inhabit the bodies of those under his dominion, and to survive indefinitely in spirit form should his own body be destroyed. He has, in the past, claimed to being nothing less than the actual God of the Old Testament, but, of course, this has never been verified.

WANTED
THE ULTIMA THULE

For High Treason and
the Corporate Conspiracy

           The Ultima Thule has multiple forms: from the earliest robot prototypes it used to rely upon to substantiate its terrible existence, to the various modern avatars it now uses to travel freely across the internet, and even out into space, this Nazi God Machine is a vastly powerful artificial intelligence seeking nothing less than the perfect merger of business and government, a Neo-Fascist Corporatocracy. Unlike the Authoritarian, The Ultima Thule is a purely material phenomenon, a sentient computer program without any inherent ability to spiritually possess others or to persist beyond the destruction of it's physical hosts; unfortunately, copies of its core programing appear to be regularly backed up in secret locations all across the globe, making the Nazi God Machine effectively as indestructible and immortal as the Authoritarian himself.

 
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